I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
