just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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