I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
