I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
