All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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