dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
