My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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