Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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