none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
