I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
