my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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