Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
