Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
