I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit