and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
how does that bad decision feel?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
