nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.