Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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