I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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