and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
