Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
