everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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