I faked an abortion last night.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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