i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
