I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
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I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It's blow job season.
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you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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