I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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