did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
