Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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