WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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