I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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