Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
