my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
