You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
