so that wasnt chicken after all
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
