meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
