just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
My ATM looks so different sober.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
