Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
