I got chris browned last night
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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