I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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