Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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