His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
