What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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