Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
