Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
