I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
