Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
