omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
