I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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