Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
