I think I just saw someone hide a body.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
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In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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