why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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