you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
