I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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