Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
