I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
