My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
