Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
