I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
