what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
